I’m on the NextDoor app. Usually we don’t get along, and I rarely check-in. But last week, for some reason, I did.

A guy, let’s call him Mike B., put out a request for holiday baskets for local senior citizens who are shut-ins and without family.

Aha! Now’s my chance! Time to get rid of tons of dad stuff!

I made six baskets, so to speak. It’s probably a better idea to refer to them as basket sets.

Each set includes a repurposed BarkBox full of food, and an upper bin with one or two large-print puzzle books, a fun colored gel pen, more food, old-fart specific toiletries such as silicon bandages for bed sores, a cute little fabric Christmas tree, and a warm blanket.

And they each have a tag that has Joy & Cheer on the front, and with “Love, Santa Paws” on the back in foil-green ink that matches the front. There’s also a paw with the big part as a heart. Assuming the writing’s legible, that is. Not a safe assumption.

Five of the Six Gift Baskets

Thanks to dad’s needs, I already had everything except the bins, ribbons, puzzle books, and tabletop tree decor. Yep, I even have a lot more of these huge clear garbage bags. For reals, I could’ve probably made at least a dozen more basket sets. Because, seriously, this barely made a dent in all the for-dad crap.

For a size reference, here’s the sixth basket being guarded by a 95# puppy.

Why yes, nothing’s been done on the kitchen project for seven or eight weeks, and yes, the house is a freakin’ pit, and yes, it’s almost impossible to get anything done. But merry fuckin’ holidaze, amiright?

Now my couch is covered with red glitter from the ribbons which means me & the pups are glitter carriers, depositing this shit everywhere. Including my bed.

For the record, I could not have made more baskets. I probably shouldn’t have made this many baskets. Why? Because it took me three days of what felt like intense effort to find, clean, and package everything. And I’m exhausted.

No freakin’ way is there some fat old white guy hanging out somewhere making Christmas all year long. And his rickety old ass is definitely not visiting millions of homes in one night. At a minimum, his jolly is 100% pharmaceutically derived 💊.

Just sayin’.

Oh, and, yeah, someone’s picking these up today. Each set weighs more than I’m supposed to pickup, let alone carry, which is why the sets were assembled on that table.